Made To Cut Her Own Skin/Notes for Julia

All of a sudden I really, really miss listening to black metal. I will remedy this tonight.

But that's not why I'm here today.


For Julia:

Get Marianne "Lolita." A rare (first?) edition. Spend lots of money on it . Obsess over the tape that keeps popping awy from its gift wrap because of all of the humidity. Finally give up and use extra pieces to keep it wrapped.

This will be the night you decide. A flip-flop in seduction, if you will. Take your time. Undress her slowly. Touch her face and say whatever she wants to hear. It is her nineteenth. She will be more than ready. She will be restrained at first, but still ardent. But then she will surprise you with her teeth and her hands on your wrists, pulled behind your back or over your head. She will fight to stay on top. Let her win in the end.

Tonight she will tell you things you don't want to hear. She will tell you many of these things. You'll start to fuck her hard in response. She will do the same. She will squeeze her hand on your neck until it feels as though your head has loosened from it and it is no longer your own. Close your eyes and think of Kate. She will know what you're thinking, though. She will know.

A light will go on in the hallway. It's her, like you summonsed her with the mind that no longers feels like it's yours. So maybe it was Marianne who has wished Kate her, outside of her bedroom, to stand and listen to you both. Marianne will loosen her grip and bring a finger to her lips to keep you quiet, your breathing staggered now from the choking. You will tempt fate and hold your breath on your own. (But, you're right, it's not the same.)

Kate will stand silently in the hallway, hoping? looking? or finding, wanting, to hear you two fucking. When she turns off the light and heads down the stairs, Marianne will lie her body flat against yours, like women do in movies, slowly and gently and with a half-smile people don't see often. Smiles that are saved for slow and gentle movements like these. You will feel her on top of you, all of her, against all of you, and in this motion she will remind you of how wet you are, and she will say to you, "She loves you more than anything."

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