The Algarve Cup Final: If Properly Named, Should Really Have Been the Alex Morgan Show

Photo courtesy of Melanie Maps/Bongarts/Getty Images 
Everything you need to know about the final, in special, easily digestiable list form:

General Shit
  • It's nice to see that Team USA is finally high femme enough to match the Germans on the number of players wearing eyeliner and mascara.
  • German kids are the worst (as in, phoniest) divers ever. Something needs to be done about this. For instance, acting classes.
  • Nicole Barnhart: On fire. 
Brief Note on the First Half
  • Two goals by Alex Morgan. This is all you really need to know, other than Team USA looked cohesive and stronger than the German side. Also, Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux will likely be a seriously fearsome twosome up top.
More Action in the Second Half
  • Germans come out with a little more pep, courtesy of Tom Sermanni's backline changes.
  • All I really cared about was second-half sub Nadine Kessler accidentally losing her shorts, which, in sad news for me, didn't happen. That's probably because she went out with an injury after being only 13 minutes on the pitch. The only good news about this? Close-up shots of her substitute, Linda Bresonik, who's looking queerer than ever and, considering all the kids around her, was a veritable old maid out there.
  • Because of her lightning speed, Leroux proved that she can make passes to herself. This was good news for the U.S. offense, bad news for the German defense.
  • In the 64th minute, after some great service by a blonde U.S. defender (no idea), Morgan goes ahead and nails one off the crossbar, proving that she may be the only offense the U.S. needs.
  • U.S. wins the Algarve Cup.
  • U.S. versus Sweden was way, way better.
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